Ready? Lick your way up and the down the labia. “At first, avoid direct contact with the clit because it may be too sensitive, and instead lick around it,” suggests Stubbs.
Now, have fun. Vary the pressure. Spell your name in cursive chatango with your tongue (seriously, it works). Move your tongue in circles. Then move it side to side or up and down. As you experiment, pay attention to how your partner is reacting. And ask them what they like. “Do you prefer this or this?” or “Fast or slow?” When it starts to feel good, you’ll know.
Strap On, Strap Off
In fact, “not all vulva owners enjoy penetrative sex or will feel comfortable experimenting with a strap-on,” says Melendez. “And that’s okay! That’s why you need to have an open dialogue with your partner.”
If you both want to try strap-on sex, it’s going to take a little foresight because you’ll need a harness and dildo (and lube!) on hand. In case you haven’t yet gone dildo shopping: Like vibrators, they come in all different shapes and sizes. Some are super phallic and have veins and are skin-toned while others are sparkly or rainbow and less reminiscent of a penis. (More here: The Best Sex Toys for Women On Amazon)
“Start with a silicone dildo (as opposed to glass) because it will move with your body,” recommends Melendez. “If you can, go to a sex shop because most stores will let you touch and feel them before you buy them.” And start small. Don’t let your eyes be bigger than, well, your vagina. “Focus on the girth and think about whether or not you like feeling full, or tend to be tight,” she suggests.
There are all sorts of harnesses too. “For your first harness, I recommend one that’s adjustable and that a lot of different body types can use,” says Melendez. (For example, you can get more coverage with a boxer-style harness, but may find you have more control when you use a strap-style harness.)
You’ve got your equipment. Now what? If you’re the person wearing the harness or the penetrator, Stubbs offers the following advice: “Practice doing some thrusts ahead of time. It doesn’t have to be silly. Just get used to the feeling, the weight. Maybe try masturbating with it.”
Also: Go slow, use lube, and give your partner time to get used to you. “Be willing to stop and adjust if your partner indicates that they’re uncomfortable or communicates different needs,” says Stubbs. (Here: Everything You Need To Know About Lube).
If you’re the partner being penetrated, give feedback. “Don’t be afraid to say words during sexmunicate with your partner. Does it feel good? Do you like the depth? The angle?” says Stubbs.
Your first time having lesbian sex with a strap-on might be the best thing in the world. But it also might feel a little clumsy and awkward (just like almost all first-time sex, lesbian or not). That’s normal; there’s a learning curve.
Add the Butt (If You Want!)
Yep, the butt is up for (ahem) grabs too. Anal play isn’t something that everyone’s had experience with or wants to indulge in, so it’s important to make sure your partner is on board with it before diving in, says Alicia Sinclair Sex Educator & CEO of b-Vibe.
“Try teasing your partner’s cheeks and crack first-gently running your hands over them and let them lean into the new pleasure and erogenous zones and mode of stimulation,” says Sinclair. “Just like the vulva, there’s tons of sensitive nerve endings on the outside of the body.” (Read this if you’re still wondering if anal sex hurts.)